Thoughts

I know that in this life, God is preparing us for eternity. I know that in this life I am constantly being molded to be more Christlike. I know that God is ever changing me to know Him better, worship Him more, etc. He is the potter, I am the clay.

There have been several circumstances in my life when I have felt broken before Him. Broken in the sense that I feel Him everpresent, yet hard to find. Times when I feel lost, like I can't see two feet in front of me, but know that He is lighting my path. All I am called to do is trust Him, talk to Him, listen to Him, and He will do the rest. Some of those cirmcumstances have been when my dad had a heart attack 11 years ago, had major bypass surgery, and I faced the possibility of losing him. Or the time I was terribly homesick my freshman year of college, and questioned God's will for my life. Or today, as a mother, ever questioning myself and my ability to raise my son. Am I doing the right thing? Is this what is best for him?

Actually, is goes way beyond just today. In fact, since the day Munchkin was born I've always had this feeling of self-doubt, urgency, and just plain ache that my son knows how much I love him, want the best for him, want him to always feel and be safe, etc. I just need to know he is ok. At all times. My mom says this is a natural feeling that all mothers feel. It seems like I'm constantly handing my son back over to God - for he is God's first anyway. I know that every time I worry about Munchkin, I'm doubting God. Doubting God is exactly what I don't want to do. There is no reason to doubt. My dad was healed, I found God's direction for my life at college, and Munchkin will always be ok for he is in the hands of the Creator of the universe. Which is exactly where I want to be and where I want my son to be.